Category Archives: funny

Real Quotes From Real Kids

Together is Better

How we keep warm at cold soccer games: together is better.

*A mother’s disclaimer: she takes no responsibility for the things that come out of her children’s mouths. Unless it reflects positively on her parenting. ūüôā

And, because I can’t resist, one of these was said by our dear Professor. Can you guess which one?

1. “I will light you on fire – personally!” (no, not this one)

2. “Oh, this attitude has a lot more to say!”

3. “I think the biggest bummer of the season is you not coming to my soccer game…sniff…actually of my whole life….”

4. “You clearly have not been reading your English novels!”

5. “To make me feel better we should buy me a pair of heels.”

6. “Will you carry my drugs for me, Mom?”

7. “If we have another child we should name her Melinda.” (what???)

8. “Bye, Cope! I hope you don’t drown!…but if you do can I have your room?” *

9. “I DON’T WANT MUSH! I want bacon!” (howled after being informed that breakfast was a bowl of warm and yummy oatmeal.)

10. “Dad! I’m not Anakin Skywalker and I’m not having a downward spiral or turning to the dark side and you’re not my Yoda!”

For more real quotes, you can read here and here.

Happy Monday!

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Barbie in Bondage

If you actually googled “Barbie in Bondage,” this probably isn’t the page you were looking for.
Sorry.

We’re not really sure
of what
goes on
in this house
But “Nicholas” did escape and “Tangled” saved the day.
phew.

Well, carry on then.

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the mischievous elves that complete my motherhood experience

On the way to the restaurant, Three Tomatoes, I had Paige guess where we were going.

“I want to go to Red Apple!” she said.

“We’re going somewhere even better,” I said. ¬†“It’s not an apple, but another vegetable (technically a fruit?) that’s round and red. ¬†Guess what it is!” ¬†(What a good mom. ¬†Every moment a learning opportunity.)

“Hmmm…”

“It’s red and round and juicy in the middle and it has seeds in the middle.”

“I don’t know…” she said. ¬†

“Red and round like an apple.”

“Um – Pumpkin!”

“Red! ¬†It’s RED, not orange.”

“hee hee hee.”

“It has a green stem – but the rest is all red and round like an apple and you can cut it up and it’s juicy and yummy.”

I could see her thinking really hard…it was coming, coming…

“Red and round and we plant it in our garden every summer and then pick it and eat it and it’s so yummy.”

Snap!  The light went off in her mind Рshe had it.

“JELLO!” she yelled.

Silence.

For the record, I can remember one time, in the last five years of her life on earth, when I made jello. ¬†It’s the one Mormon legacy I deny (for shame!)

Perhaps we shall turn our attention from reading to the Food Pyramid.

It makes me wonder. ¬†Every morning, when she drinks her smoothie, what does she think she’s drinking?¬†Jello?

On a positive note, Nelson has finally learned how to hang up his shirt.

It’s not on the floor – it’s actually on a hanger!

He’s also learned how to make his bed.


I had mighty big plans for a cute St. Patrick’s Day recipe.

I’m obviously not supposed to make donuts.

The children blame all recent misfortunes on those mischievous green elves.

I’m on to you, suckuhs!

Perhaps we will make some green Jello for St. Patty’s Day. ¬†Maybe stir in some of those baby mandarin oranges, walnuts, and coconut bits. ¬†Mmmm…makes my mouth water just thinking about it.
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Traumatizing the Child

We were given these beautiful angel candles for Christmas. ¬†“Isn’t that darling?” I thought. ¬†Then I lit the wick on top of the head.
The kids were horrified. ¬†“Ahh!” Screamed Paige. ¬†“The angel’s head is being burned off!” ¬†She watched as slowly, slowly, the angel melted into nothing…

but wax.
It was scene right out of the Salem Witch trials.

And she looked at me, wondering what kind of mother would burn an angel’s head off.

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Hula

We are in the desert and it is HOT.  Really, really HOT. 
I am in a foreign land.  Happy for naps, away from cleaning my own kitchen.
Of the gladdest moments, methinks, in human life, is the departing upon a distant journey into unknown lands. Shaking off with one effort the fetters of habit, the leaden weight of routine, the cloak of carking care, and the slavery of Civilization, Man feels once more happy. -Sir Richard Burton
I feel like hula hooping…

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More Enjoyment in the Kitchen

Recently I was given a cookbook. And not just any cookbook. It was an aphrodisiac cookbook. And to tell you the truth I wasn’t really on familiar terms with the word “aphrodisiac” until dating my English major. I figured it was just him and all that symbolism stuff. But then this word was used commonly in my early marital days by many of the Makechnie clan. “Want some asparagus, Amy?” wink wink. “Oysters?” “Dark chocolate?” Seriously? No wonder I was such a fertile myrtle!

I honestly haven’t noticed much change in my uh-hum, whatever! but it’s been 12 years and asparagus still finds itself the object of desire and romance jokes whenever it is served. I know, I live in a very open family.

People have actually written a cookbook on aphrodisiac cooking. I shouldn’t be surprised. Isn’t sex the number 1 topic around the world? Still, if the appetizer description made me blush, you can imagine the main courses.

Here’s a tame introduction to the seemingly blah vegetable, “The Artichoke:”

“Tough green leaves, each armed with its own thorn stand on guard. They rally their strength to make one tightly woven bud, protecting the exquisite beauty found inside their walls. This aphrodisiac, like many lovers, plays hard to get (which, like many suitor, just makes one want it more).
Fortunately, some very hungry body figured out how to unleash the velvety softness found only in the stubborn artichoke.
Experience it for yourself: Together with your partner, insert your thumbs into the very center of a blanched artichoke, where the leaves meet. Slowly pull the petals apart and down. As the leaves fold down, they will reveal a veritable painting of green, white, and purple. Don’t stop there, but delve deeper toward the center. Continue spreading the petals until you spy a hint of yellowy-white fur. Insert a finger into the opening. The fur, you will find, is protected by the prickly spears of the choke. But persevere, close your eyes, and stroke the voluptuous fur.”

And I’ll stop there because after all this is a PG-rated blog. But it does go on to actually give recipes with this artichoke – if you’ve actually stayed in the kitchen long enough to make anything. “Baked artichoke and crab dip” and “Bruschetta with puree of artichokes” are just two of the many palate pleasing devinations in this book. Did I just make up that word?

Now what I think the funniest part of this whole thing is, and why I may get into trouble for this post is because the person that gave it to me is my mother-in-law! What do you think of that? Perhaps you aren’t surprised if you know her. After all, she may have mentioned aphrodisiac while serving you, say, black beans. Didn’t know that could turn you on, did ya?

If you would like to check out this book from me, know that it is due back in two weeks and late fees will apply as we need to give everyone a turn. Clin, I know you’re first on the list. You don’t even have to ask. Just wait until you read pg. 69 on skewers. Wowza!
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How to Annoy Cope

This spring Proctor Academy did the musical, Man of La Mancha.¬†¬†It was fabulous, esp. with Jaguar Sasamito as Don ¬†Quixote. ¬†We liked the music so much I bought Cope the CD for her birthday while in Omaha. ¬†They’ve been playing it non-stop and if you’re familiar with it at all, you may think it’s funny – or not- to hear your 5 year old daughter singing Dulcinea’s part. ¬†We’ve had many discussions over some choice phrases. ¬†But, it’s a wonderful musical; uplifting, powerful, and unforgettable.
It was especially fun to see Gregor get into the part of Don Quixote on his horse.  Hey, he had to keep awake somehow.

Our knight galloping to save his lady

“Daddy!!! ¬†Please!”

Okay, it’s kindof funny

Brynne peeks out from the back

Cope finally passes out from sheer annoyance with her father

After 25 hours in the car, please get me out of here

Why?  This is so much fun!
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